May 4, 2008
He knows I am lying.
I know he knows I am lying.
He knows I know he knows I am lying.
But I lie anyway, he plays along anyway – to an extent maybe even try to cover for me.
All for formality sake.
After four years, i know his stupid excuses too — to an extent his intentions behind the eccentricities
May 3, 2008
Subway should never be shared.
“You can have everything you want but no onions and no capsicums.”
“………ugh. but onions and capsicums are the ONLY vegetables i add!”
“I love pickles.”
“i hate them. they’re disgusting.”
To think i ate a footlong by myself two days ago.
February 4, 2008
Is everything just a means to an end? Or are we to enjoy this along the process anyway? This puts an end to the Series of Dilemmas about my subjects (I hope I am right at least). It is almost like the end of a short journey, Ironically, it is just the beginning. More like the end of one manga arc before moving on to the next major arc. The decision i made is probably more permanent and I have given it more than sufficient thought by now. Above all, I had prayed on it (and am still continuing to do so)
Perhaps it’s chance that someone who just changed to my HL math class has the SL book whereas i have the HL book. I foresee good coincidence of mutual benefit here.
In the most metaphorical way (and i happened to be very amused by this analogy) i can put this — I’m rejecting the richer girl for someone else who does not necessarily have house and lands. I personally gave thought about this scenario before and my conclusion was clear as to what I would to given such a situation. Somehow, back then, it just did not coincide with my view about subjects.
Ohwell. There probably is some loss, not. What matters is that I am happy. Riches are often the end goal of people. From my point of view, riches are never the end goal. Theyre just a means to an end — happiness. Riches should never come in the way of happness.
Either way, I trust that the future is on that is going to be well taken care of, so why should i take the unnecessarily harder way? Better that I do something I’d enjoy more now. I earlier said that “emotions, preferences, likings are all subjective” and can be controlled. Perhaps not.
Truth be told — I am hoping to get into 5.14 right now. And if anything, I absolutely do NOT want to get into 5.17. I pray that everything works out for the best and goes smoothly. But that being said, it will be unfortunate, nevertheless to part with my jew corner — there’s always bio for that.
In any case, this has essentially been a learning experience; a chance for me to grow and mature, perhaps even grow closer to God as he guides me through al these. I am quite sure that I will eventually have to make more choices, probably harder ones. This time, I had settled for what a historian could consider to be inevitable — predetermined to happen frm the start. The idea of math might have been like “making an eagle swim and a fish fly” right from the start anyway.
On a side note, I somehow feel some sentimental value or even pride in looking at the two rows of words below a signature on the paper I have just gotten. Somehow, I find the two rows of six words in total symbolic. they are-
January 22, 2008
I should get this out of my way as soon as possible so i can start on work proper tonight.
I think that I may have seen my teacher from primary six on the bus. If so, she put on weight. She may find my blog, as unlikely as it may be, in which case, I’m screwed. But i’m direct about such things anyway.
I may be wrong though. I sure hope that I am wrong because my reaction was essentially…nothing. For one, I barely noticed her till the time I was about to get off the bus. I may be wrong. I can’t be sure that I was right.
But I can’t be sure that I was wrong. I could have talked, I could have gestured, I could have something. But what did I do? Nothing. I pussied out essentially because of a possibility that I may be wrong. Would it have hurt even a bit for me to open my mouth of stone? I wouldn’t have lost anything. It wouldn’t have cost me anything but I didn’t do anything anyway.
I didn’t know what to do. In such a short period of time, how was my mind supposed to react?
This doesn’t matter. The past is the past. It does not matter whether or not I know if it was her. In no way is my life meant to be affected because of a bus trip. Pragmatism dictates that I dgas and move on. I’ve always been very good with ignoring and forgetting whatever that has happened before anyway.
Or maybe it does matter — because as I stated before “People are an ends in and of themselves. That is the exception to my slaromic pragmatism” How would someone feel to be forgotten or worse, possibly remembered but ignored? How disheartening to be treated as such by an emotional investment. And on the flip side, the joy that could have emerged.
Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter to me now anymore. I have gotten off the bus. I can’t change anything. Maybe everything was just an illusion. Maybe I’m completely mistaken. Or perhaps I need to be prepared for a next such occurrence, how would I react if this situation ever occurred again.
In the mean time, I can and should only look forward to a better Tomorrow. Forget yesterday.
Now, what do i have left to do?
January 14, 2008
I think i’ll have to survive trying to use the toilet in total darkness for a few days since i broke the switch.
Surprising that I have no problems — so far.
December 31, 2007
Two things i should take note of:
1. I earlier thought that I could post christmas wishes and new year resolutions together since both were about what i wanted. Then I realised that they were different, since christmas wishes are usually beyond your control and are material whereas new year resolutions are about what you can do for yourself
2. I spent the first hour of my new year doing resolutions as in UN kind. Literally, producing new year resolutions. A bit sneaky since the given issues are more broad and its easier to cater to CMB anyway.
Come to think of it, i have no idea what I would have wanted for Christmas — maybe apart from a box of chocolates, perhaps merci (thanks to Miss Siva the other day). I’m sure there was something material I wanted as I sat on the train home, I can’t remember for now — was it the seasons 2 and 3 of Boston Legal or was it something else? As for New Year Resolutions:
Now to write these Ten things into stone. New year resolutions are MEANT to be broken anyway — much like the ten laws. I can’t understand why people will bother — much like how i can’t understand why people try for perfection when it is impossible to be perfect. It’s my first time bothering with a new year resolution btw. Of course I’ll try with some effort la…They’re all good aims anyway, just without a clear detailed methodological plan as to how it will happen (ah i remember this from Friday).
Oh, and I wish to grow closer to God and read my bible and pray more.
December 29, 2007
Two twisted policies to deal with Iraq (probably mutually exclusive but may be otherwise)
1. Compulsory Mass Intermarriage (C.M.I.) — to prevent ethnic conflict make everyone this giant family. With a new race of shiasunnikurds, you get true blue iraqis. No more ethnic strife, in the long term at least. And ah, I just say “marriage” to make it sound nicer.
2. The formation of Qaedastan — Oh, The Qaeda is in the west? Give them a state in the West of Iraq. Claim that its the new holy land for their organisation. And it shall be the new place for testing US nuclear weapons.
Yeah yeah, I already know the heck load of the potential problems with both ideas. But damn, it sure is appealing.
The week seems so long and yet seems to have passed so fast. I’ve been going out daily for the whole week despite saying something about wanting to rest at home and just read my book — turns out that I’ve lost drive for now with reading. Talking to a certain someone may very well start to screw me up ><
A swimmer?! Now I’m interested…
December 27, 2007
My brother is a good kid. My brother is a good kid relative to the bunch i had to handle today. Actually, they were a nice fun energetic bunch — overly energetic, that is. For one, my brother actually sits there to write/draw while talking to me in my/his room. More importantly, he does not climb onto my head. Incidentally, a boy his age (but most thankfully not his size) did so today.
(Brother+175% Energy Points) x20
“iruvyou iruvyou iruvyou~! ^_^”
“kyaa~! uguu~! gaou~! uhn~! No, no, no, getoff, getoff. Don’t come to me go to – ><” (truth be told, i didnt make noise..)
Despite not much being done due to an unusual unexpected unexplained change in circumstances, I had fun, I guess.
But what did I learn? I went with the intention of learning what I can do in tutoring. Most unexpectedly, I have been misinformed about the age group. (Not as if those i may help next year are *that* young) I also went with the intention of looking out for uh, CAS opportunities — to meet the hours and what not. Unlikely that such an objective was met since this thing seems mainly for weekdays where I’m jampacked cos of school…
I’m left to wonder if I’m there truly because I wish to help children or if I’m there for the hours (I don’t think I got any today) or at least personal benefit. Heck, is it considered as personal benefit if I do so because I get a Feel-Good from it? (Hmm, I recall hearing this off a certain TV show)
Whatever.
As if that matters — remember, intentions do not matter, thoughts are worthless. It is the action that counts. It does not matter why I do something, as long as I do it. (I am justifying my habit of complaining but doing the sai-kang task anyway) Giving grudgingly still has the same benefits. Murdering with a cheerful heart is still malicious. I can think that it is inhumane to eat meat, but as long as I continue to eat meat, I still support eating meat. It is the action and the consequences that matter, not the thought. Thoughts, after all, are so subjective. All I need to do is to psyche myself to look at the other angle.
The company (if there is a CEO and it is profit motivated, it is a company) I have been going to for the past four years often likes to say “God loves a cheerful giver”, therefore if don’t just give a bit, give a lot cheerfully. (or some more sweet soundingly masked line) But I’d often ask myself: wouldn’t that mean that God doesn’t love a not-cheerful giver, so if we are not cheerful, we shouldn’t give at all? Biased as i may be, I think I make more sense.
I received an sms on the -afternoon- of Christmas Eve: “Would have bought you a new sports coupe but its the thought that counts”
Hurhur, yeah well, I would have gotten a Shotgun for myself for a certain purpose , but I guess the thought is enough…
Perhaps we can even say that if one really had such a thought/want, they will do all they can to achieve it. If I say I want to watch I Am Legend and Warlords (this is for real btw) but decide to just laze around and do nothing about it — can we really say that I want to watch those two movies?
Since I have been asked to go uh do some other thing that involves my brain and time, I shan’t bother organising this muchly scatter-gunned post.
(Eh, why is there a Tag “school”, I didn’t talk about school what, as in really!)
December 11, 2007
I decided to quickly add a cover up post to remove the main focus from my more bitchy entry.
The Golden Compass reminds me of Code Geass in how it is able to seek the truth. Lelouch’s Geass allows him to control people ONCE. Mao’s Geass allows him to read the mind of anyone within a certain area. I am inspired to rewatch the series suddenly (before the sequel comes out!)
Today I was faced with several choices i.e. who to watch the movie with, whether to smuggle in Chips or buy popcorn, whether to buy sweet or salted, whether to get my book at kino or borders, whether to buy the last book today or to wait to borrow discount cards and buy another day?
(where’s the hot water when i need it, sneeze)
December 10, 2007
Seldom you’d hear me mention something personal like this; but I told someone that today was the first time in a year i was talking to a certain someone.
Now that I think about it, that’s an understatement — it’s been more like two years.
I’m quite sure there’s something I have forgotten. I can’t seem to remember much. There are some things I know I have forgotten like faces, voices, events. Perhaps more on the events/discourse which I cant remember the specific details. I don’t know what to think.
The trend has been for me to clear my memory every end of the year — or more specifically during the Winter Holidays. I doubt that its intentional; at most subconscious. Or it could be just a byproduct of the lack of sleep — memory loss?
Here is a philosophical question to think about, it happens to be the area i *hate* the most:
The side of me that is in control right now personally is more practical and pragmatic even. If things happened in the world, it happened in your world. Colours still exist even if a person is colour blind. Not reading about the Holocaust does not mean that the Holocaust never took place.
The notion of the “Creation of Non-existent Memories”; remembering things that did not exist sprung forth from a little incident/reminiscence I had with my friend. (I have promised not to go into details) No idea how i’ve done that on two people thus far. Perhaps its just that I had crafted and elaborated the scenario such taht it seemed like i was there and happened to fit the mould of the character needed. It also seems that revealing the truth of what really happened, more often than not, seems to have a shocking and stunning effect.
.
Hmm, but if I really am able to create “Non-existent Experiences/Memories” — who needs reality?
Say, in a hypothetical situation, I create this machine/use this spell/drink this potion/take this drug that simulates a “non existent experience” as i wish: perhaps it may be to taste some delicious dish or to have won something yadda yadda. Maybe even gain vampire powers etc (bah! never watch Trinity Blood before bedtime!!)
A temporal version of this would probably be a dream — most of us will forget whatever we dreamt of anyway.But what about a permanent version — one that is realistic and detailed, but nevertheless unreal.
Somehow I get the strange feeling that a lot of us may still choose to stay with reality for some reason. This is an assertion I’m making. Perhaps I am wrong. I’m merely following my rather counterintuitive (and semi-irrational) instinct.
And to end off with a commonly heard line:
“What is the world that you would choose?”
.
p.s Two things I can do now: read up about Freud and watch the Matrix (i haven’t actually watched the matrix)
