Hidden Valley

I should get this out of my way as soon as possible so i can start on work proper tonight.

I think that I may have seen my teacher from primary six on the bus. If so, she put on weight. She may find my blog, as unlikely as it may be, in which case, I’m screwed. But i’m direct about such things anyway.

I may be wrong though. I sure hope that I am wrong because my reaction was essentially…nothing. For one, I barely noticed her till the time I was about to get off the bus. I may be wrong. I can’t be sure that I was right.

But I can’t be sure that I was wrong. I could have talked, I could have gestured, I could have something. But what did I do? Nothing. I pussied out essentially because of a possibility that I may be wrong. Would it have hurt even a bit for me to open my mouth of stone? I wouldn’t have lost anything. It wouldn’t have cost me anything but I didn’t do anything anyway.

I didn’t know what to do. In such a short period of time, how was my mind supposed to react?

This doesn’t matter. The past is the past. It does not matter whether or not I know if it was her. In no way is my life meant to be affected because of a bus trip. Pragmatism dictates that I dgas and move on. I’ve always been very good with ignoring and forgetting whatever that has happened before anyway.

Or maybe it does matter — because as I stated before “People are an ends in and of themselves. That is the exception to my slaromic pragmatism” How would someone feel to be forgotten or worse, possibly remembered but ignored? How disheartening to be treated as such by an emotional investment. And on the flip side, the joy that could have emerged.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter to me now anymore. I have gotten off the bus. I can’t change anything. Maybe everything was just an illusion. Maybe I’m completely mistaken. Or perhaps I need to be prepared for a next such occurrence, how would I react if this situation ever occurred again.

In the mean time, I can and should only look forward to a better Tomorrow. Forget yesterday.

Now, what do i have left to do?

I think i’ll have to survive trying to use the toilet in total darkness for a few days since i broke the switch.

Surprising that I have no problems — so far.

This is basically a response to whatever that has been discussed today. While it would be much clearer if i typed everything out, I’m far too lazy to redescribe the philosophical problem put forth.

But what if i were to say that “Heads or tails. Heads, I’ll slice your head off. Tails, I won’t kill anyone” If i happen to get heads and I do slice your head off, did i have the intent to kill? Like the snake-eyes problem, I don’t have a choice as to whether i get the snake-eyes or heads or tails. However I have a choice and intention in creating a system that links the action of a murder to something unintentional (on the premise that I do not have intent/choice over the coin toss)

Otherwise, can we allow society and its criminals to claim that they had no intent just by doing a coin toss before every murder they commit?

After submitting the Subject Options Form, I am now in the usual math vs english dilemma for the third time. The first and more recent second time has led to math winning and me filling it in the form.

On the criteria of Usefulness, Math is ruled to be more useful in terms of opening options especially for uni in Econs. On the other hand, the other side of me would like to point out that it might be unnecessarily too useful and link it to my Effort-Results Curve philosophy of the Optimal Efficiency. It would also argue that the usefulness of math is predicated on the assumption that I will do well in it otherwise it is as good as useless anyway — which leads to the criteria of achieving the higher score but we’ll get to that later.

One must consider the long term implications of the options in order to guage “usefulness”; in other words, the underlying question to be considered here is — to what extent is it necessary to be useful in keeping options open? Some things are ruled out for sure such as engineering. The only assholic thing i might take that requires math is economics. One side of me would say that economics might have a high chance of being taken up, so it is better to leave the options open especially when political science and law aren’t exactly thriving in singapore. It’s just not in the nature of people to sue. The other side would say that economics can be done using SL math (i.e. NUS) and even if economics requires HL math, I shouldn’t be doing it anyway! Not to mention the alternatives of pol sci and law which i may enjoy more! DOng something I enjoy may give me a greater meaning of life considering that i am not one who has high expectations of luxuries like big house, big car, yacht etc.

On the criteria of Maximum Score, English has a better track record for the whole year with the underlying logic of how it complements my natural skill sets i.e. how there is a greater oral component and how it is essay and not equation based. This is contrasted with my weaker track record for math especially the coursework. On the other hand, the other side of me would point out that English has a greater tendency to be subjective and fluctuate (both david and i have eaten the worse end before) Also math becomes more stable once practising till a certain point of excellence.

Having seen the clash between the more important issues and how they almost totally negate each other, what is left are the more peripheral side issues such as:

Classmates — tying in to the larger picture of the pragmatic criteria: what is best for me? (i have earlier clarified friends out of the issue since i believe that class is no boundary. Heck, i even have friends from rj/hc what) Currently, the Math combi will mean a repetition of whatever i have gone through for the past two years, not very nice or even conducive. The English combi will probably have the geps whom i am more friendly/familiar with. Someone raised the (probably valid) point on Overshadowing. This point is moot looking at the people in class either way. Plus overshadowing because of the presence of other good people may not necessarily be true. This is because it may raise the overall marks of the class as a whole. It is much like how a bad debate can pull down everyone’s scores. Proof: I did survive history and lang arts (both papers and presentatiions) even tho they were marked by the same markers at the end of the year.

Teachers — this one is really small. But I am hoping to get one certain teacher for history. I am hoping the other teachers are good also which made require me to sit through lessons for a week or two (and illegally, skip class to attend the other class’ lesson >< This is hardly advisable ) Since this one is MEANT to be negligible i hope either option will not affect this criteria.

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On all of the questions mentioned, I am unable to come up with a clear answer. It must be the fault of how i am trained that i am able to believe in any side of an issue and substantiate it.

What is left apart from the reasoning is instinct, in which case, i will probably take english instead.

All i can do now is to pray. Father, I know my future is in your hands. Come to think of it, no matter what i take the difference in Long Term Outcome is probably trivial. I have come to realise that most of our choices are, but nevertheless are stil things to choose between.

What I propose: observe how class is for the a period of time and see which i am more comfortable in.