Bus trip from school

I should get this out of my way as soon as possible so i can start on work proper tonight.

I think that I may have seen my teacher from primary six on the bus. If so, she put on weight. She may find my blog, as unlikely as it may be, in which case, I’m screwed. But i’m direct about such things anyway.

I may be wrong though. I sure hope that I am wrong because my reaction was essentially…nothing. For one, I barely noticed her till the time I was about to get off the bus. I may be wrong. I can’t be sure that I was right.

But I can’t be sure that I was wrong. I could have talked, I could have gestured, I could have something. But what did I do? Nothing. I pussied out essentially because of a possibility that I may be wrong. Would it have hurt even a bit for me to open my mouth of stone? I wouldn’t have lost anything. It wouldn’t have cost me anything but I didn’t do anything anyway.

I didn’t know what to do. In such a short period of time, how was my mind supposed to react?

This doesn’t matter. The past is the past. It does not matter whether or not I know if it was her. In no way is my life meant to be affected because of a bus trip. Pragmatism dictates that I dgas and move on. I’ve always been very good with ignoring and forgetting whatever that has happened before anyway.

Or maybe it does matter — because as I stated before “People are an ends in and of themselves. That is the exception to my slaromic pragmatism” How would someone feel to be forgotten or worse, possibly remembered but ignored? How disheartening to be treated as such by an emotional investment. And on the flip side, the joy that could have emerged.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter to me now anymore. I have gotten off the bus. I can’t change anything. Maybe everything was just an illusion. Maybe I’m completely mistaken. Or perhaps I need to be prepared for a next such occurrence, how would I react if this situation ever occurred again.

In the mean time, I can and should only look forward to a better Tomorrow. Forget yesterday.

Now, what do i have left to do?

 

Destroy your alarm clock!

you men of little faith!

I heard this rather faith preacher lately (whom some, esp the more senior ones, consider rather extreme) — trust God to wake you up every morning, don’t bother with an alarm clock.

The reason why I wouldn’t do away with my alarm clock is very simple: I do not think that I will be awoken for the simple reason that God probably knows that I *need* the sleep. I am hoping to get 7hours a night ideally next year though. (and it’s 2am now already)

But let’s extend a bit of logic — we wouldn’t need to lock our doors either (which I wouldn’t mind), or even get insurance. Insurance after all is a waste of money to those who have enough confidence that they won’t get some disease or have their house burnt down.

Giving it some thought — I think why not? (despite being personally risk averse) I’m personally no gambler, but could it be argued that if you try preparing for a rainy day — the rainy day may come? I’ll need to give the issue a bit more thought.

But I don’t think i have much faith in the system of insurance. It is not in the interest of insurance companies to be giving out so much money as compared to collecting money from clients. I’d personally think that as much as they would try to uphold an image of trying their best to do all they can (which can be achieved via advertising), they will in reality try to cut down on costs – -the main cost being payouts to clients. The internal conflict of interest by a profit-motivated company is just too great. Their interest is most obviously to cut costs and maximise profits, not help people. Pardon this very cynical point of view — but I think that insurance companies and its agents like all people do want to earn as much money as possible.

If profit motive was a bad thing, why not have the a larger, more powerful body that udepends on taxes and not payment to oversee it? I’d have to give it more thought.

On a side note, it is Strange that while having property burnt down is at a lower probability and lower magnitude of harm than getting run over by a car, people still jaywalk anyway but buy property insurance.

Back on the issue of Safety Nets and what extent I’d apply them. I’d have to think more about it and consult people who are wiser and more senior to find out their thoughts. I shall do so later today. It may very well place them in an interesting dilemma as well hehe. But for now, Im setting the alarm clock for 8am.

btw, I really have a smashed up alarm clock in my drawer.

 

The damn TV (it emos!)

My mum decided to scrap Cable. The art of subtle manipulation succeeds once again. On the other hand it may be ineffective in taking so long. For long I’ve been saying that cable just isn’t worth it. I never did like watching TV. I never did watch. I thought it pointless. To me, it is only worth it if the whole family (and as many people as possible) get to watch it for more than half the day at least (for as long as possible). The cost of that may be frightening — electricity, deproving grades, lowered productivity and the list goes on. The main focus here is on the damaging values TV spreads (particularly, but not limited to, Channel 8 TV series) Of course it isnt all bad, don’t be ridiculous and tell me that news/the Wheel of Fortune don’t have these effects. I am talking about the specific genre of drama that tries to portray reality. It often has a spice of romance to it.

My point of view is that TV introduces an adult world with adult value of what adults do to children leading them to have an urge for relationships (no, not sechs yet). Any form of attraction or even friendliness from the opposite gender is branded by the child as “crush”/romance. (After all, it is a fine line between the two.) Maybe the sex that the TV throws across does not leads directly to more promiscuity. People starting relationships earlier while not mature enough is the cause. Over the years, there has been an increase in tv viewership by children, this is rising with the number of relationships that start from a younger age and the increase in pre-marital sex. If people start having a relationship earlier, they have longer to wait till a marriable age. Perhaps there may not be a link between seeing and doing, but this isn’t about influence. It’s about introducing ideas that children are not ready for which they will associate what happens in the real world with what the tv shows.

Wait wait, I take the previous paragraph back: a later marrying age has led to more pre-marital sex. Considering people’s hormones are most active at 13+ and they used to get married then… oh well, social norms have changed, especially with the need to become educated and work. Well! We can’t do anything about a later marrying age, we can only remove the factor of tv! TV IS EVIL.

Should we bubble wrap our kids? No, but there is no need to expose them to toxins in the name of developing their maturity. It can happen naturally and gradually in the same way people discovered the real world without television. In fact, by blocking off tv, we’re not bubble wrapping our kids from reality, we’re bubble wrapping them from a form of reality that the TV prescribes — even if you say its not perverse in and of it self, kids just aren’t ready yet.

But apart from kids, the whole idea of Wrist Slashing has been promoted. It shows people the wrong ways of coping with depression all in the name of drama. No doubt, they may happen in the real world. But tv popularises it. It shows more people a way of dealing with a problem — wrist slashing happens to be one of them.

Then again, maybe promoting wrist slashing is a GOOD alternative to jumping off buildings or slashing downwards from the wrist to the elbow (which is more deadly). This assumes that the people who cut their wrists would otherwise be far more suicidal– which is unlikely.

In any case I think that wrist slashing is stupid and pointless and carried out by fumbducks. I have no sympathy really unless you stop. If someone came up to you and slashed your wrist, you have every drop of sympathy from me.
If you slash yourself, you’re a fumbduck.

“Augh, I’m in emotional pain! Let me add to it by causing physical pain!”
*slashittyslashslash*
“Owwwww….it hurts. owwww….. lemme convince myself that my heart feels better!”
“Oh *(#&, BLOOD! BLOOD! omgomgomg!” *presses tissue*
“my friends can’t see me like that — i need a watch to cover it up”
“aw crud, i slashed my left hand, that means i have to wear my watch on the WRONG hand”
/face palm.

Oh go ahead and justify why slashing your wrist is ok, but please get a life after that – -and more importantly, i hope you stop. Self-hurt without pleasure is a dumb way of solving one’s problems.

On another note, i think people aren’t seeking help for wrist slitting because it may very well end up as a police case. shrugs.

Instead, i propose watching cartoons as the uber alternative! How emo can cartoons get, how depressing can cartoons get. Will cartoons promote ideas about romance or harem? Will cartoons encourage polygamy or harem? Will cartoons tell viewers that kitchenkniving each other as an end?

Uhh…..
Even if they do, there’s too great a fantasy element and its distinct from real-life! It’s not by real people! Sure, people can tell that robots running around or being able to LOAD SILVER CARTRIDGE is fake. There will not be a mix of values >< And it serves as a form of escapism!

Don’t slit your wrist, get addicted to a cartoon series or anything else. Addiction is a good thing, it removes suicidal tendencies. 

 

Advice?

I am right now in a rather reflective mood over a number of issues — most of which have no relevance with this post. It is approximately 3am by now about an hour plus since my last convo.

One wonders: perhaps sometimes people know more than you think they do or at least more than you do. There ought to be certain things that caused people to say certain things. More often than not, its something you don’t know, but there’s always a reason for it. Even if it may be a mere coincidence or casual remark, I’d believe that inevitability has set a reason for it or at least people’s good instinct may have brought it about.

There are few rules of life (they get more and more each time) one of them is to listen to advice as much as possible. Especially from more experienced people and people who know more about certain issues.

Another rule of life: never make anyone angry. As far as possible, avoid it. Regardless of whether its expressed or bottled up — the outcome can’t be nice either way. Heck, the side of me in control right now thinks that it is highly probable that some things go against my interest to uphold this principle. Then again, I have committed some grievances as well… Obviously, this applies to all people but receiving special warnings may mean an additional caution sign. Perhaps in such instances, I should stay away… It is after all better to be safe than to be kitchenknived sorry (dumdumdum, consequences.)

But is there more to just avoiding anger? What about never wanting others to be sad? what about always wanting others to be happy? These three may be one and the same but I’d think that the last two are greater. The first about Anger Aversion is an action that seems largely driven by self interest maybe even fear. The last two are more altruistic in my opinion. I think that nobody is able to show care and concern to someone they don’t care about regardless of the benefits that may follow. No doubt benefits may follow — but they are not the main focus, it’s true care and concern.

And that surprisingly is what I am striving for. Despite how cynical or pessimistic or even pragmatic, I have come to view friends not as mere “means to various ends” or income. I believe that they are in and of themselves valuable. (I’d rather not tag any terms to it right now, knowing the bad word choice and propensity to use a word with connotations of objects)

The thing is — it’s never easy. Not that I don’t want to, but I just don’t know what to do. I’d think I’m a rather bad source of comfort. Its not that I do not sympathise, I just can’t express it. Is silently observing while present the most that I am able to do? Perhaps a prayer I can offer even.

Right at this late hour (or rather early hours in the morning),  I’ve come to see Jesus more as a friend. Someone who is for sure available in my time of need. As a person who is extremely indecisive, that seems to be essential. Heck, it’d be essential even if i was more decisive. But giving it more thought has led me to realise that we don’t only spend time with our friend’s when we are sad, we want to when we’re happy as well. We want to as much as possible.

Reflections in this post-midnight hours have given me greater insight about Jesus and Man and myself. Yet, in any case, we must be wary of those who have bad intentions. I have heard of a story of a severe backstabbing recently driven by jealousy. Often when i used the term “judas” this year (for reasons of pur efun and teasing) I mean something more like Pang-Seh or abandonment. But on a more realistic note, this should be reserved for actualy plotting and turning against someone. Yes, people like that do exist. And I trust that Jesus will open our eyes and give us wisdom to discern who may bring harm to us and who we may be able to depend on.

 

The Eternity You Desire?

Seldom you’d hear me mention something personal like this; but I told someone that today was the first time in a year i was talking to a certain someone.
Now that I think about it, that’s an understatement — it’s been more like two years.

I’m quite sure there’s something I have forgotten. I can’t seem to remember much. There are some things I know I have forgotten like faces, voices, events. Perhaps more on the events/discourse which I cant remember the specific details. I don’t know what to think.

The trend has been for me to clear my memory every end of the year — or more specifically during the Winter Holidays. I doubt that its intentional; at most subconscious. Or it could be just a byproduct of the lack of sleep — memory loss?

Here is a philosophical question to think about, it happens to be the area i *hate* the most:

1. if I did not know that something has happened, has it happened in the context of “my world”?
2. By extension, if I do not remember something, has it happened?
3. And what if I think that something did happen but it did not — has it happened in “my world”?
4. Do what others view/know matter when it comes to my world?
5. Or is my world only about what i see and know to be true?

The side of me that is in control right now personally is more practical and pragmatic even. If things happened in the world, it happened in your world. Colours still exist even if a person is colour blind. Not reading about the Holocaust does not mean that the Holocaust never took place.

The notion of the “Creation of Non-existent Memories”; remembering things that did not exist sprung forth from a little incident/reminiscence I had with my friend. (I have promised not to go into details) No idea how i’ve done that on two people thus far. Perhaps its just that I had crafted and elaborated the scenario such taht it seemed like i was there and happened to fit the mould of the character needed. It also seems that revealing the truth of what really happened, more often than not, seems to have a shocking and stunning effect.

.

Hmm, but if I really am able to create “Non-existent Experiences/Memories” — who needs reality?

Say, in a hypothetical situation, I create this machine/use this spell/drink this potion/take this drug that simulates a “non existent experience” as i wish: perhaps it may be to taste some delicious dish or to have won something yadda yadda. Maybe even gain vampire powers etc (bah! never watch Trinity Blood before bedtime!!)

A temporal version of this would probably be a dream — most of us will forget whatever we dreamt of anyway.But what about a permanent version — one that is realistic and detailed, but nevertheless unreal.

Somehow I get the strange feeling that a lot of us may still choose to stay with reality for some reason. This is an assertion I’m making. Perhaps I am wrong. I’m merely following my rather counterintuitive (and semi-irrational) instinct.

And to end off with a commonly heard line:
“What is the world that you would choose?”

.

p.s Two things I can do now: read up about Freud and watch the Matrix (i haven’t actually watched the matrix)

 

…

No doubt, my energy and flame has been rekindled for something important to me lately. It’s been a few weeks now. Perhaps I was never really in a true state of fatigue and apathy — judging from my actions at least.

But of late, I realised that I’m gradually losing joy in something else. A by-product of too much thinking perhaps.

If these two were to clash, should it not be obvious what the rational decision will be?

On a side note — i’m right now in a dilemma 1am in the morning — is getting food worth the effort of getting out of bed? It’s a clash between laziness and hunger.

 

On Holiday,

Earlier I ranted about how everything and anything that goes wrong is all our fault and how we must do all we can to achieve whatever we want. I can’t help but to (disagree with myself and) offer a contradictory antithesis to that argument.

Perhaps sometimes there are just things that are beyond our control. In fact, they always are beyond our control. In this world there are too many factors apart from your effort to create an outcome. It could be that the people above are hard to deal with, the people below just aren’t learning — and you’re already doing all you can. Circumstances often dictate what we can or cannot do and trying harder is not going to grant us the capacity to overcome these circumstances.

For one, I am alarmed that I have sort of lost touch with my Effort Results Curve during this long period of break. There will come a point on the curve where additional effort will not translate into additional results but become stagnant. This applies to learning or more specifically practising a skill i.e. running. If Effort/Result >1 , then it is not worth the effort. One is better off lazing around all day. (Instinctively, I can counter this but I shall save it for another day)

More often than not, some of us already do try too hard. (you know who you are) We all need a break sometimes — which is why I decided to go on holiday on an island resort in Thailand.

For the past few days, I have got the following:
1. Black skin (more of dark grey actually, my grey skin just turns dark grey  ><) —  rehab for a year without much sun.. It has burnt off chunks of my brain already I think. Sun is bad for health.

2. Realisation that the reason I may end up in NUS is because of holidays like this. ><

3. A photo with a 人妖.(and the shudders that come with it) Tall beautiful woman with a voice deeper than mine. shock.
I HAVE BEEN INSPIRED TO TRANSVORM. OPERATION HERE I COME. ><

Strange that any guy would want to go for a sechs change. Wait, where did they get the money to do the op? (I realised this as I was packing stuff before I received a plastic chest and a heck lot of oestrogen shots.) Maybe they have back alley plastic surgeons much like back alley abortionists — my favourite Mister Rusty Hanger and Uncle Vacuum Cleaner, not to mention the Brothers Screwdriver (HAHAHA NO PUN) and Lectric-Drill.

Chances are — there are shows in thailand that specialise in showing off the men-turned-women. The question is: do these companies/theatres fund the men even before they remove their schmeckel. (i just found a good reason not to Transvorm — ack, it pains me to imagine) There must after all be some reason why there are so many of them concentrated in one specific country. Culture?!

Oh, one last thing I learnt — not using the com/net for three-four days overloads my phone and mailbox. The wonders of technology and how very intrusive of technology — i have been reminded of another one those Great Adventures i will be embarking on next year.

[This post gets filed under evolution of gender roles… uh, yeah, literally an evolution of gender…]

 

Fairness (and meat-eating)

It is 2AM at night. It appears that reading about philosophers in an attempt to get to sleep was not such a good idea. The very fact that I’m still typing right now is proof of that.

One guy I happened to read up on was John Rawls. I’m quite sure my dad mentioned this guy a few years ago. His main point of view is basically as such: if we are behind a veil of ignorance about who we will be born as, what kind of society will choose to be born in? Is it one where there are the extremely rich people and the extremely poor — and you could be one of them? Or is it one where everyone ends up equally well-to-do, not too rich and yet not too poor?

To be honest, his argument does appeal to both reason and emotion. I would have chosen the latter world. But then again, that’s just due to my personal preference — there’s no need to be too rich and I don’t want to be too poor. On a more caring note, it’d in fact be better if poverty was non-existant! This may explain how my views are pretty much socialist thus far. (reading Free To Choose hasn’t seemed to change that)

However, let’s extend his logic. Behind this veil of ignorance, we may very well end up as an uh oh, aborted foetus. We shouldn’t have abortion either. I sure as hell won’t want to be a to-be-aborted-foetus just cos of some wild party regardless of the reason.

More importantly, we shouldn’t even eat meat! Behind this veil of ignorance, we may end up as some farm animal, we may very well end up getting abattoired , chopped up after death and well, eaten.

Consider this scenario: in a futuristic world, a new breed of superhumans have evolved. They are stronger and smarter than the average human being by a difference of heaven and earth. But there’s one problem — they enjoy feeding on human blood. For the purpose of illustrating my point, these vampires do not need blood to survive, they just enjoy sucking the blood of humans. Man is subsequently locked up, force fed and bred specifically for the purpose of providing blood for this new elite superhuman race.

We cringe at the very thought of being drained of blood, let alone getting killed and eaten like animals. We detest the manner in which a supposed “elite” breed of people would like to take control over us. Yet we are all guilty.

Perhaps no matter what we do, animals are going to continue getting killed for food anyway. But then again, shouldn’t we show even the slightest support against the act of eating animals. In fact, more people eating animals will result in more animals being killed to meet the demand.

Do bear in mind — that eating meat is in no way necessary for us. But we do so anyway. I find no justification in the killing and eating of animals, but I’m going to continue to do so anyway. Most people will.

Enjoy Thanksgiving! We weren’t born as turkeys!”

I’d like to find a justification

(But back on John Rawls, one must bear in mind not to be hypocritical. In accepting John Rawls theory, it has to be applied to both abortion and the issue of meat-eating — otherwise reject it. )