TGIF

It disturbs me — friday is the day we all look forward to. It is the eve of the weekend — our main period of rest.

And yet, friday is the day that leaves me with the most discontentment and emptiness. For reasons I do not know. (I fear that this is almost feminine a behaviour)

How ironic it is — right before the moment we’ve been waiting for arrives, we lose interest or have a change of mood. There is no sense of closure that we were hoping to get. No sensation that we were looking forward to. How ironic.

And the cycle shortly repeats itself after the weekend.

A week spent looking forward for Friday.

(I see unintended metaphors. I’m subconsciously so good, I should be a poet)

 

Means to an end

Is everything just a means to an end? Or are we to enjoy this along the process anyway? This puts an end to the Series of Dilemmas about my subjects (I hope I am right at least). It is almost like the end of a short journey, Ironically, it is just the beginning. More like the end of one manga arc before moving on to the next major arc. The decision i made is probably more permanent and I have given it more than sufficient thought by now. Above all, I had prayed on it (and am still continuing to do so)

Perhaps it’s chance that someone who just changed to my HL math class has the SL book whereas i have the HL book. I foresee good coincidence of mutual benefit here.

In the most metaphorical way (and i happened to be very amused by this analogy) i can put this — I’m rejecting the richer girl for someone else who does not necessarily have house and lands. I personally gave thought about this scenario before and my conclusion was clear as to what I would to given such a situation. Somehow, back then, it just did not coincide with my view about subjects.

Ohwell. There probably is some loss, not. What matters is that I am happy. Riches are often the end goal of people. From my point of view, riches are never the end goal. Theyre just a means to an end — happiness. Riches should never come in the way of happness.

Either way, I trust that the future is on that is going to be well taken care of, so why should i take the unnecessarily harder way? Better that I do something I’d enjoy more now. I earlier said that “emotions, preferences, likings are all subjective” and can be controlled. Perhaps not.

Truth be told — I am hoping to get into 5.14 right now. And if anything, I absolutely do NOT want to get into 5.17. I pray that everything works out for the best and goes smoothly. But that being said, it will be unfortunate, nevertheless to part with my jew corner — there’s always bio for that.

In any case, this has essentially been a learning experience; a chance for me to grow and mature, perhaps even grow closer to God as he guides me through al these. I am quite sure that I will eventually have to make more choices, probably harder ones. This time, I had settled for what a historian could consider to be inevitable — predetermined to happen frm the start. The idea of math might have been like “making an eagle swim and a fish fly” right from the start anyway.

On a side note, I somehow feel some sentimental value or even pride in looking at the two rows of words below a signature on the paper I have just gotten. Somehow, I find the two rows of six words in total symbolic. they are-

 

The Dilemma (part three)

After submitting the Subject Options Form, I am now in the usual math vs english dilemma for the third time. The first and more recent second time has led to math winning and me filling it in the form.

On the criteria of Usefulness, Math is ruled to be more useful in terms of opening options especially for uni in Econs. On the other hand, the other side of me would like to point out that it might be unnecessarily too useful and link it to my Effort-Results Curve philosophy of the Optimal Efficiency. It would also argue that the usefulness of math is predicated on the assumption that I will do well in it otherwise it is as good as useless anyway — which leads to the criteria of achieving the higher score but we’ll get to that later.

One must consider the long term implications of the options in order to guage “usefulness”; in other words, the underlying question to be considered here is — to what extent is it necessary to be useful in keeping options open? Some things are ruled out for sure such as engineering. The only assholic thing i might take that requires math is economics. One side of me would say that economics might have a high chance of being taken up, so it is better to leave the options open especially when political science and law aren’t exactly thriving in singapore. It’s just not in the nature of people to sue. The other side would say that economics can be done using SL math (i.e. NUS) and even if economics requires HL math, I shouldn’t be doing it anyway! Not to mention the alternatives of pol sci and law which i may enjoy more! DOng something I enjoy may give me a greater meaning of life considering that i am not one who has high expectations of luxuries like big house, big car, yacht etc.

On the criteria of Maximum Score, English has a better track record for the whole year with the underlying logic of how it complements my natural skill sets i.e. how there is a greater oral component and how it is essay and not equation based. This is contrasted with my weaker track record for math especially the coursework. On the other hand, the other side of me would point out that English has a greater tendency to be subjective and fluctuate (both david and i have eaten the worse end before) Also math becomes more stable once practising till a certain point of excellence.

Having seen the clash between the more important issues and how they almost totally negate each other, what is left are the more peripheral side issues such as:

Classmates — tying in to the larger picture of the pragmatic criteria: what is best for me? (i have earlier clarified friends out of the issue since i believe that class is no boundary. Heck, i even have friends from rj/hc what) Currently, the Math combi will mean a repetition of whatever i have gone through for the past two years, not very nice or even conducive. The English combi will probably have the geps whom i am more friendly/familiar with. Someone raised the (probably valid) point on Overshadowing. This point is moot looking at the people in class either way. Plus overshadowing because of the presence of other good people may not necessarily be true. This is because it may raise the overall marks of the class as a whole. It is much like how a bad debate can pull down everyone’s scores. Proof: I did survive history and lang arts (both papers and presentatiions) even tho they were marked by the same markers at the end of the year.

Teachers — this one is really small. But I am hoping to get one certain teacher for history. I am hoping the other teachers are good also which made require me to sit through lessons for a week or two (and illegally, skip class to attend the other class’ lesson >< This is hardly advisable ) Since this one is MEANT to be negligible i hope either option will not affect this criteria.

ssenevisicedniymrofdevomersllabymevahotthguoi

On all of the questions mentioned, I am unable to come up with a clear answer. It must be the fault of how i am trained that i am able to believe in any side of an issue and substantiate it.

What is left apart from the reasoning is instinct, in which case, i will probably take english instead.

All i can do now is to pray. Father, I know my future is in your hands. Come to think of it, no matter what i take the difference in Long Term Outcome is probably trivial. I have come to realise that most of our choices are, but nevertheless are stil things to choose between.

What I propose: observe how class is for the a period of time and see which i am more comfortable in.

 

It is the thought that counts

My brother is a good kid. My brother is a good kid relative to the bunch i had to handle today. Actually, they were a nice fun energetic bunch — overly energetic, that is. For one, my brother actually sits there to write/draw while talking to me in my/his room. More importantly, he does not climb onto my head. Incidentally, a boy his age (but most thankfully not his size) did so today.

(Brother+175% Energy Points) x20

“iruvyou iruvyou iruvyou~! ^_^”
“kyaa~! uguu~! gaou~! uhn~! No, no, no, getoff, getoff. Don’t come to me go to – ><” (truth be told, i didnt make noise..)

Despite not much being done due to an unusual unexpected unexplained change in circumstances, I had fun, I guess.

But what did I learn? I went with the intention of learning what I can do in tutoring. Most unexpectedly, I have been misinformed about the age group. (Not as if those i may help next year are *that* young) I also went with the intention of looking out for uh, CAS opportunities — to meet the hours and what not. Unlikely that such an objective was met since this thing seems mainly for weekdays where I’m jampacked cos of school…

I’m left to wonder if I’m there truly because I wish to help children or if I’m there for the hours (I don’t think I got any today) or at least personal benefit. Heck, is it considered as personal benefit if I do so because I get a Feel-Good from it? (Hmm, I recall hearing this off a certain TV show)

Whatever.

As if that matters — remember, intentions do not matter, thoughts are worthless. It is the action that counts. It does not matter why I do something, as long as I do it. (I am justifying my habit of complaining but doing the sai-kang task anyway) Giving grudgingly still has the same benefits. Murdering with a cheerful heart is still malicious. I can think that it is inhumane to eat meat, but as long as I continue to eat meat, I still support eating meat. It is the action and the consequences that matter, not the thought. Thoughts, after all, are so subjective. All I need to do is to psyche myself to look at the other angle.

The company (if there is a CEO and it is profit motivated, it is a company) I have been going to for the past four years often likes to say “God loves a cheerful giver”, therefore if don’t just give a bit, give a lot cheerfully. (or some more sweet soundingly masked line) But I’d often ask myself: wouldn’t that mean that God doesn’t love a not-cheerful giver, so if we are not cheerful, we shouldn’t give at all? Biased as i may be, I think I make more sense.

I received an sms on the -afternoon- of Christmas Eve: “Would have bought you a new sports coupe but its the thought that counts”
Hurhur, yeah well, I would have gotten a Shotgun for myself for a certain purpose , but I guess the thought is enough…

Perhaps we can even say that if one really had such a thought/want, they will do all they can to achieve it. If I say I want to watch I Am Legend and Warlords (this is for real btw) but decide to just laze around and do nothing about it — can we really say that I want to watch those two movies?

Since I have been asked to go uh do some other thing that involves my brain and time, I shan’t bother organising this muchly scatter-gunned post.

(Eh, why is there a Tag “school”, I didn’t talk about school what, as in really!)

 

Finally…a taste of rest.

So I decided to mess about and make changes to the blogskin. My custom header image of the Crossroad remains the same.

Apart from that, I got rid of the useless parts of the site index and fit in new stuff, mainly the tag section and the blog stats. I’m not too sure whether the blog stats actually work. If they do, they don’t count the user’s own viewing — which i suppose is smart.

The current 280 is both large and small at the same time. Compared to the blogs of others, i’d say this is very small. My classmate, Mr F‘s blog that covers educational/ tuition stuff seems very “into” the blogosphere. His count — is 8000 more than mine. I’d expect the KKYS to have a few thousand also considering that its been awhile for quite sometime (and heh heh, it is automatically accessed everytime I ‘Restore Previous Session’ for my firefox. just happens to be one of te few hundred windows that are open) .

Compared to my expectations, that obviously is huge. Almost worrying. i do after all prefer things smaller and more personal anyway.

There are several things i need to do:
1. Clear my room — note, clear, not clean. The problem is I have so many stacks of books, I have absolutely no idea where to put them. And I already have thrown away random working paper. Where could I chuck all my clutter to at least make space for my new books which will (mostly) come on Thursday? I reckon rushing through my room the night before to get it cleared. It’s probably possible just not easy. I’d rather have another few days of carrying furniture.

2. Cut my hair — getting too thick and too long for my liking. Personally i prefer short hair? But I havent cut since the september holiday. Two days before the Republic P. debate finals to be specific. Technically I can last one hair cut a term. Except that I forgot to count in the holidays as part of the term. In other words, it has already exceeded one term by now. When I cut, it’ll have to be extra short. Heck, I’ll wait for december. I’ll cut when I can tie my hair.

3. Collect my books for next year — This probably marks me deciding on my options already. I’ll get the privilege of not stepping out of my house till Thursday to collect almost all my books. Namely all the SL english books (maybe with the three that A lost), IOC and Hist notes (made by A), uh an econs photocopied text, HL math book (with file and notes).
Estimated price I’ll pay: $100+
Estimated price I would have to pay for the originals:around $400

There probably are people willing to offer them at lower prices, but fair enough la. I’m too lazy to wait too long for prices to drop. I believe that I’m saving quite a bit already.

Though I need to get my Bio book. I’m rather unwilling to buy it since I already have an ib bio book at home but they changed the syllabus.

This week is expected to be a great (while plain) week for resting. Its been so busy for the past two weeks with meeting people back to back etc. (and my first week of holidays were spent being ill) Time sure passes fast. It’s week four already. Time is tight. I’d probably need to use my time more wisely from now on.

Next week december will be near.

 

Last day of school

Today was the last day of school. It is unlike me to get nostalgic about virtually anything. Besides, it’s not as much can be remembered from anything before this year.

I must admit, i’d rather have a Save Point to go back to at the start of 2006 where i clammed up quite a bit (for reasons i do not know/recall). I’m glad that I opened up again this year, creating a more enjoyable and perhaps more memorable a year.

I’d attribute this to three reasons
1. working together on a project to get people to reproduce more (;
The first time i worked with my corner (4/5 of which take bio) A relationship built out of a coincidence of mutual benefit. A common bilateral ties argument is that such a relationship is superficial and stops the moment the benefit stops. Not exactly true, is it?

2. PE ponning — this spans back to even last year. Common interests breed friendship. There isn’t anyone else to talk to anyway since everyone else is in the sun etc. Kudos to doing minimal PE this year and spending quite a number of sessions in the sac.

3. church — probably resulted in *some* gradual move to more openness (minimal as it may be, it beats nothing)

All of us will probably split paths next year with different interests and subjects and probably new friends to come. My belief that everything is temporal obviously has not changed but has led to a different outcome/reaction based on the same principle.

Figure out for yourself what the difference is.

 

Moral irrationality 001

It is often assumed that a person is rational in all his actions. Rationality is defined by doing “what is best” for one self. Thus far, my thinking is mainly shown through pragmatism and practicality.

Of late however, my actions have been seen to be irrational. For a long time, it was never hard to fall ill on certain days (i.e.flu/diarrohea/nasi lemak poisoning, so can’t swim/go for celebration) but on Tuesday, where there was a fire drill and chinese karaoke, i actually was well and fine, surprisingly. 17 others however were all ill. The air must have been bad in class. If there was anything simulated about the fire drill, it was the scorching fireball in the sky. Not like a fire will happen. Missing out on a drill won’t really be much of a loss..

And once more today, I didn’t go home at 10 to collect my geog book for my o levels in the afternoon, being the remaining less than ten in class (before i went to a certain place to sleep) to do virtually nothing. Yeah sure, i like doing absolutely nothing in class.

Alright, so i have cleared my locker and returned my school library book and received my report book… what’s left in school? Finally, after considering for a short while whether or not i’ll be well enough to go for the last day of school, it turns out that today wouldn’t be the last day i wear the black tie. It turns out that i’ll be carrying tables tomorrow. Great joy.

All of these are without a reason. It can be considered to be an action that is irrational. Yet I’m going ahead anyway.
I’d like to find out why.

I must admit though, i don’t regret going for tuesday since the karaoke was quite an experience (and watching C emcee) C however has been a very positive peer pressure in managing to convince me to go to school (and subdue the demon of laziness). Pity I won’t be seeing him tomorrow afternoon.

Perhaps it isn’t a moral issue: To rationalise my course of action and look at it as a comparison of benefits — i have two options a) go b) don’t go. A is driven by laziness and the need to rest/ the opportunity cost of staying at home etc. B is driven by…? Most probably the possibility that something good may happen if i get out of the house and interact with others. But isn’t that too, as irrational as gambling? Not so, if you compare it to staying at home and cutting away the possibility totally.

Often people think that “I must go, otherwise i may get into trouble”
A more positive way would be to think that “I must go, otherwise i may miss out on good opportunities”

Perhaps my laziness has been trumped by the possibility for opportunities to take place?

 

The Dilemma (till early next year)

“In life, there is always the presence of crossroads where major decisions have to be made.” How apt to have been the first line of my 3000+ word project last year (on junior colleges, my dilemma for last year)

And this photo was used for my ISO poster that scored me pretty high (thanks madam m—-)

It’s quite a simple dilemma — IB subject options and it can be summed up as:
Higher Math versus Higher English — which should i take? No doubt, a post of boredom, i would have preferred to lay off academics on the blog but it cant be helped if it will be the question taht bugs me for the next two months.

Basic logic: consider the criterias involved (floh would laugh at me here for my parkpole/metrerule)
Criteria 1: What is best for myself?
Taking whatever that benefits more/is more important to uni and in the long run.
In other words, this results in “Friends ” having a lower priority =\ since friends come and go, and while i have opened up a lot more this year i stil keep the belief that a lot of things are still pretty much temporal. We’ll all make new friends anyway and being in the same class is not a prerequisite anyway. Furthermore there are some who WILL be in different classes already anyway (i.e. SB in my class and E who may take HL chem *cough* urk)

Enjoyment probably also goes down the line. Besides, enjoyment is moot — i like math on the same level as i like reading LIT (lit ><) somewhere in between. I also think that enjoyment can be cultivated. Furthermore people do not do well because they enjoy the subject (i mean i like bio, somewhat) but they enjoy it because they do well.

Which leads to
Criteria 2: Which is more important — getting a a)higher total score or b) fulfilling prerequisite subjects
A higher score will be helpful for a scholarship (which i’ll prob need to not go NUS) and getting admissions but prerequisite subjects are course specific.

Which leads us on to
Criteria 3a: Overall points — would math or english give me a higher total points?
3a. Higher English is not much different from SL english apart from having four more books and a bit harsher on marking.
Math on their hand is supposedly having a larger difference. The total from HL eng SL math would be higher than SL eng HL math since it dips more for math and virtually none for eng (or so i speculate)

Criteria 3b: Prequisite subjects — which is more necessary for uni courses, English or Math?
3b. Math wins hands down — esp if im considering econs in the long run. English would “help” law and journalism but SL woudl do just fine and it is not a prerequisite. However compare a lower grade higher level math with a higher grade standard level math, which would have more value?

Overall, it’s quite a gamble on striking a balance and hopefully going beyond that. I feel some urge to draw a useless speculatory graph (which may incorporate my this year’s grades to predict a trend) I can’t really do much apart from pray and trust God in this case.

On a more saucy note, if the issue was about enjoyment vs importance, it will be like marrying a woman i don’t love only because she’s rich and is a CEO or something >< (while i get to stay at home and sleep, play xbox, read manga, watch anime and korean dramas like aunties, ferry kids from school, cook, clean and wash.)

How much i want that, is a different issue altogether =x
(oh, why is there a tag called evolution-of-gender-roles, does that mean there may be more of such tags to come?)