The Eternity You Desire?

Seldom you’d hear me mention something personal like this; but I told someone that today was the first time in a year i was talking to a certain someone.
Now that I think about it, that’s an understatement — it’s been more like two years.

I’m quite sure there’s something I have forgotten. I can’t seem to remember much. There are some things I know I have forgotten like faces, voices, events. Perhaps more on the events/discourse which I cant remember the specific details. I don’t know what to think.

The trend has been for me to clear my memory every end of the year — or more specifically during the Winter Holidays. I doubt that its intentional; at most subconscious. Or it could be just a byproduct of the lack of sleep — memory loss?

Here is a philosophical question to think about, it happens to be the area i *hate* the most:

1. if I did not know that something has happened, has it happened in the context of “my world”?
2. By extension, if I do not remember something, has it happened?
3. And what if I think that something did happen but it did not — has it happened in “my world”?
4. Do what others view/know matter when it comes to my world?
5. Or is my world only about what i see and know to be true?

The side of me that is in control right now personally is more practical and pragmatic even. If things happened in the world, it happened in your world. Colours still exist even if a person is colour blind. Not reading about the Holocaust does not mean that the Holocaust never took place.

The notion of the “Creation of Non-existent Memories”; remembering things that did not exist sprung forth from a little incident/reminiscence I had with my friend. (I have promised not to go into details) No idea how i’ve done that on two people thus far. Perhaps its just that I had crafted and elaborated the scenario such taht it seemed like i was there and happened to fit the mould of the character needed. It also seems that revealing the truth of what really happened, more often than not, seems to have a shocking and stunning effect.

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Hmm, but if I really am able to create “Non-existent Experiences/Memories” — who needs reality?

Say, in a hypothetical situation, I create this machine/use this spell/drink this potion/take this drug that simulates a “non existent experience” as i wish: perhaps it may be to taste some delicious dish or to have won something yadda yadda. Maybe even gain vampire powers etc (bah! never watch Trinity Blood before bedtime!!)

A temporal version of this would probably be a dream — most of us will forget whatever we dreamt of anyway.But what about a permanent version — one that is realistic and detailed, but nevertheless unreal.

Somehow I get the strange feeling that a lot of us may still choose to stay with reality for some reason. This is an assertion I’m making. Perhaps I am wrong. I’m merely following my rather counterintuitive (and semi-irrational) instinct.

And to end off with a commonly heard line:
“What is the world that you would choose?”

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p.s Two things I can do now: read up about Freud and watch the Matrix (i haven’t actually watched the matrix)

 

On Holiday,

Earlier I ranted about how everything and anything that goes wrong is all our fault and how we must do all we can to achieve whatever we want. I can’t help but to (disagree with myself and) offer a contradictory antithesis to that argument.

Perhaps sometimes there are just things that are beyond our control. In fact, they always are beyond our control. In this world there are too many factors apart from your effort to create an outcome. It could be that the people above are hard to deal with, the people below just aren’t learning — and you’re already doing all you can. Circumstances often dictate what we can or cannot do and trying harder is not going to grant us the capacity to overcome these circumstances.

For one, I am alarmed that I have sort of lost touch with my Effort Results Curve during this long period of break. There will come a point on the curve where additional effort will not translate into additional results but become stagnant. This applies to learning or more specifically practising a skill i.e. running. If Effort/Result >1 , then it is not worth the effort. One is better off lazing around all day. (Instinctively, I can counter this but I shall save it for another day)

More often than not, some of us already do try too hard. (you know who you are) We all need a break sometimes — which is why I decided to go on holiday on an island resort in Thailand.

For the past few days, I have got the following:
1. Black skin (more of dark grey actually, my grey skin just turns dark grey  ><) —  rehab for a year without much sun.. It has burnt off chunks of my brain already I think. Sun is bad for health.

2. Realisation that the reason I may end up in NUS is because of holidays like this. ><

3. A photo with a 人妖.(and the shudders that come with it) Tall beautiful woman with a voice deeper than mine. shock.
I HAVE BEEN INSPIRED TO TRANSVORM. OPERATION HERE I COME. ><

Strange that any guy would want to go for a sechs change. Wait, where did they get the money to do the op? (I realised this as I was packing stuff before I received a plastic chest and a heck lot of oestrogen shots.) Maybe they have back alley plastic surgeons much like back alley abortionists — my favourite Mister Rusty Hanger and Uncle Vacuum Cleaner, not to mention the Brothers Screwdriver (HAHAHA NO PUN) and Lectric-Drill.

Chances are — there are shows in thailand that specialise in showing off the men-turned-women. The question is: do these companies/theatres fund the men even before they remove their schmeckel. (i just found a good reason not to Transvorm — ack, it pains me to imagine) There must after all be some reason why there are so many of them concentrated in one specific country. Culture?!

Oh, one last thing I learnt — not using the com/net for three-four days overloads my phone and mailbox. The wonders of technology and how very intrusive of technology — i have been reminded of another one those Great Adventures i will be embarking on next year.

[This post gets filed under evolution of gender roles… uh, yeah, literally an evolution of gender…]

 

Last day of school

Today was the last day of school. It is unlike me to get nostalgic about virtually anything. Besides, it’s not as much can be remembered from anything before this year.

I must admit, i’d rather have a Save Point to go back to at the start of 2006 where i clammed up quite a bit (for reasons i do not know/recall). I’m glad that I opened up again this year, creating a more enjoyable and perhaps more memorable a year.

I’d attribute this to three reasons
1. working together on a project to get people to reproduce more (;
The first time i worked with my corner (4/5 of which take bio) A relationship built out of a coincidence of mutual benefit. A common bilateral ties argument is that such a relationship is superficial and stops the moment the benefit stops. Not exactly true, is it?

2. PE ponning — this spans back to even last year. Common interests breed friendship. There isn’t anyone else to talk to anyway since everyone else is in the sun etc. Kudos to doing minimal PE this year and spending quite a number of sessions in the sac.

3. church — probably resulted in *some* gradual move to more openness (minimal as it may be, it beats nothing)

All of us will probably split paths next year with different interests and subjects and probably new friends to come. My belief that everything is temporal obviously has not changed but has led to a different outcome/reaction based on the same principle.

Figure out for yourself what the difference is.